Trial By Fire

Time for an update! I passed my Advancement to Ph.D. Candidacy Exam! And they charge me $90 for passing--WTF? Not that I'm going to complain much, because I don't have to worry about it anymore. Wooo!

I threw a party for passing. It was one of our tamest parties yet, but I had a good time. No real stories, however, except that a John Daly (aka Arnold Palmer w/ Vodka, thanks Bill Simmon's mailbag for the name although we'd had that idea before) is delicious!

But I'm ready to get out there more, meet new people, etc. I'm slowly becoming friends w/ people in my improv class, but it's already halfway done! It's such a fun time. I hope I have the skill to make something of a long-term hobby out of it. There is this one "clique" (not really, but they're all friends prior to class) of really good looking girls that I only today was able to break into conversation with and start getting to know. Arrghhh I need to apply the confidence of jumping on stage and doing a comedic scene out of nothing into confidence in talking with women! The translation shouldn't be too difficult, right?

However, improv class itself is quite the rollercoaster for my confidence as is. Today, I'm pretty sure I had the worst scene early on, but then in the 2nd half of class I had some of what I think were the funnier skits (all the ones everyone else did were pretty great too, but I earned myself a bit of praise from the instructor!)! Also, many people in the class have training/jobs as actors and therefore have a much better sense of stage and emotion and composure than I do. But I'm surviving fine. I notice that I sweat profusely while on stage even though I don't feel terribly anxious, but it makes me shy away from mingling a bit because I have yet to find a deodorant/antiperspirant that can withstand 3 hours of improv!

A New Plateau

I was unfair to the girl I was angry at in my last entry. I was most likely projecting my anger at some other girls onto her, and the coldness I perceived in fact turned out to be simply her being busier now that school has started up.

So, yes, now I'm in a platonic friendship with a girl I had (have?) feelings for but are not reciprocated. I still have no clue how to deal with it. I enjoy spending time with her, and I have learned a lot of interesting things, and we still get along quite well. But there's a few wrenches gumming up the works.

I went to watch Sunday Morning Football this morning with her. More people were supposed to show up, but they bailed (with 1 exception but he showed up very late). I still get a tingling of jealousy when she points out guys in the bar that she finds cute, and that nagging "Why not me?" question in the back of my head. I play turnaround and point out hot girls and nice racks on hot girls, but I feel that 2% of that is still a last-ditch attempt to make her jealous. Flirting has made way for friendly joshing and touching, and I am not sure what the difference really is. And there were a couple instances where we were talking closely (loud bar) and I thought, wow, if this weren't a crowded bar and I hadn't been rejected yet, I would go in for the kiss right now. But alas, that's not to be.

I would ease into this new metastable state were I targeted on a new girl currently. I've decided my massive revenge on women will be to become way hot. I've dropped a pant size and have begun redoing my wardrobe; it's the first time in a while that I'm gaining confidence in my looks. And I hear nothing but compliments on my new goatee, originally grown out as a "fuck you!" to womankind.

I heard today that one girl I've met briefly gave to a waiter she thought was cute her friend's number. And she proceeded to use her friend's phone to exchange texts with him and set up a drinks date, under the guise of her friend. But she has no intention of pursuing anything with this guy; she just wants to see how far she can take it. Giving this poor man false hope when he has 0 chance from the outset? Women are truly evil! And you can't pinpoint the evil ones because they don't grow goatees! (Occam's razor solution: all are evil, none are good.)

I bought the best book. It's called Men Are Greater Than Women. It really satisfies my misogyny craving by being chock full of wisdom such as "Women couldn't do math even if it were made of chocolate." A good read whenever the "fairer" sex gets me down!