Recharging

8.5 hours, finally! Insomnia can suck my dreams.

I was starting to grow out a goatee as living symbolism of needing change in my life. But apparently it takes a lot of upkeep and sculpting. I don't know if I want to deal with that. And I just know it's going to itch like hell.

Ground State

Back to the beginning. I have avoided blogging for the past week or so because of a fear of jinxing a girl situation, which has sort of wormed its tentacles into all aspects of my life. A small part of me still feels that I might've fucked up my karma, cosmic luck, whatever, by indicating that I was into this girl to anyone. But the observation of the state has been made, the wavefunction collapsed. No go.

Met her 2 weeks ago through mutual friends, and after meeting in a couple social situations we seemed to really hit it off. We have a lot in common, enjoy each others' company, even spent some 1-on-1 time together. And, well, I thought my flirting was a personal best (this is probably still true). Even a few good friends took it upon themselves to wing without my telling them my intentions! But my other good "friend" anxiety soon came to visit. This past week, I haven't slept any more than 6 hours a night (closer to 4 if not less) and found myself unable to eat much. But socially I was having quite the time of my life. Played pool twice, a couple really fun parties, water balloon fight, card games; I don't think I've been this active in a while, and it was a good thing and I miss college days when such get-togethers were more commonplace.

I made me promise myself that I'd ask her out for real tonight before the anxiety ate away my life or I dug myself into too deep a friendship hole. And I did. Damn, I must've really really misread the situation. Not that I didn't expect the worst. But there were plenty of false positives. The reaction went something like "Really?" to "This is a busy time for me." to "It would be a bad idea." I didn't press it much harder, but perhaps I should've? Maybe I should try again after a little time. Romantic comedies really kinda fuck with my perception of what is to be done in this situation. I'd guess her response is indicative that either she doesn't think of me as a possible match or she's hung up on someone else at the moment; either way, she's just not that into me? But isn't persistence key?

I'm proud of myself for gathering my testicles and reaching closure. I'm a little angry and quite baffled by the fact that I still cannot get a first date. It's not like I'm asking someone to be a vessel for my parent's grandkids. I just want not to be benched any longer. But maybe now I can finally finish a meal and get a good night's sleep. Well, tomorrow night. Because it's already past 4 AM now and I have to be up early. Fuck.

Good thing I've got a week home and then Vegas to look forward to!

Multiverse

New pet peeve: when people refuse to check facebook. I can understand not wanting to update status every 3 hours like a twitter freak, not wanting to install games or take quizzes, and whatnot. But facebook is the new way people are keeping track of shit. It takes 5 seconds to check if there's an event or email waiting for you; not that hard to do. I'm worried people might be doing it because they're "above facebook," much like people who brag about not owning a tv. Well, not owning a tv is stupid and being proud of it is even stupider.

I've noticed that while playing music, I'll hurredly click next until I find a song that I want to hear. But if I pass a song that I want to hear, I can't make myself go back and listen to it. Because I know what's coming after it. Even if I like every song I've seen from the future, knowing the destiny of my playlist is unacceptable! I have to create an alternate future. The solution sometimes? Re-randomize.

Not One Year Wiser

Wow, this blog has been going for over a year, with roughly 2 updates a week. I'm surprised it's lasted this long!

I can't say my life is in a very different place since last year. The details have changed, but I think the overall picture is the same. Some new friends, old friends that are no longer or I've grown apart from, and too many people getting married!

I have become more evil. It's been mentioned by people other than myself, too. I think this a reflection of how I'm trying to become more assertive and self-centered. It's my life, so shouldn't my happiness be the first priority?

In the past week, I've defeated Ghostbusters on hard; I really recommended it for anyone with PS3 or X-Box (I hear the Wii version is really dumbed down). Also, I watched Transformers 2 finally, a really silly movie with lots of explosions, so when you get down to it, it's very entertaining. Just don't stop to think about it. Finally, at a friend's recommendation I watched Gunbuster and its sequel Diebuster (these are animes). Gunbuster was painful; Diebuster wasn't bad but because they tie it into Gunbuster, I don't know if I can recommend it since one would have to suffer the 2 hours that is the first series first.

I'm throwing a party on Saturday in honor of my birthday. Here's to hoping that having girls over to my apartment drinking booze in my honor will lead to girlfriend! Mwahahaha, told you I was evil; I'm scheming and starting to monologue my plans already!

Crossing Streams

Wow, it's been about 2 weeks since I last updated. I had a bit of a July meltdown last week, which led into the new rollercoaster of emotion I've been riding. Same shit as always: frustration at lack of romantic life, anger at friends who seem to perpetually let me down, and being utterly sick at my research. Point is, I need a complete upheaval of my life. To uproot and relocate somewhere new, a nice change of scenery, everything.

Still, at these depths of despair is when one must find the strength to make things better. (This entry sponsored by Chez Cliches.) Still, after being really pissy for a few days I garnered the resolve to renew my search for a mate and make progress to my degree. Here's to hoping that energy is long lasting and not just a burst of Nos in my life.

Things that make me feel better: Gurren Lagann, perhaps the most epic anime I've watched in a long while, and the Ghostbusters video game, because bustin' makes me feel good.