Ground State

Back to the beginning. I have avoided blogging for the past week or so because of a fear of jinxing a girl situation, which has sort of wormed its tentacles into all aspects of my life. A small part of me still feels that I might've fucked up my karma, cosmic luck, whatever, by indicating that I was into this girl to anyone. But the observation of the state has been made, the wavefunction collapsed. No go.

Met her 2 weeks ago through mutual friends, and after meeting in a couple social situations we seemed to really hit it off. We have a lot in common, enjoy each others' company, even spent some 1-on-1 time together. And, well, I thought my flirting was a personal best (this is probably still true). Even a few good friends took it upon themselves to wing without my telling them my intentions! But my other good "friend" anxiety soon came to visit. This past week, I haven't slept any more than 6 hours a night (closer to 4 if not less) and found myself unable to eat much. But socially I was having quite the time of my life. Played pool twice, a couple really fun parties, water balloon fight, card games; I don't think I've been this active in a while, and it was a good thing and I miss college days when such get-togethers were more commonplace.

I made me promise myself that I'd ask her out for real tonight before the anxiety ate away my life or I dug myself into too deep a friendship hole. And I did. Damn, I must've really really misread the situation. Not that I didn't expect the worst. But there were plenty of false positives. The reaction went something like "Really?" to "This is a busy time for me." to "It would be a bad idea." I didn't press it much harder, but perhaps I should've? Maybe I should try again after a little time. Romantic comedies really kinda fuck with my perception of what is to be done in this situation. I'd guess her response is indicative that either she doesn't think of me as a possible match or she's hung up on someone else at the moment; either way, she's just not that into me? But isn't persistence key?

I'm proud of myself for gathering my testicles and reaching closure. I'm a little angry and quite baffled by the fact that I still cannot get a first date. It's not like I'm asking someone to be a vessel for my parent's grandkids. I just want not to be benched any longer. But maybe now I can finally finish a meal and get a good night's sleep. Well, tomorrow night. Because it's already past 4 AM now and I have to be up early. Fuck.

Good thing I've got a week home and then Vegas to look forward to!